jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out