Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
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Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel