The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.