I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Brother?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not