wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure