Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
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my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent