Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.