My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.