Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Love is in the air fryer.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]