ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Not messing around
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok