Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist