I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
excuse me
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.