Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Finally a use for spoilers…
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it