Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed