My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs