Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge