“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!