The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no