Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.