I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.