Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
The asteroid..
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?