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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*