I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
my fav colour is also hitler
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET