Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.