Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
incredible
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!