I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I’ll be mad as hell!
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”