Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Breaking news:
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.