Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing