Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.