My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
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my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*