This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Genius idea!!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man