When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
the way this pissed me off… 😭
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
DOOO EEEET
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Not messing around
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My wedding will be open casket.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”