And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
You Might Also Like
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby