[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Squirrels before girls.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy