*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
You Might Also Like
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both