Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Sell your car
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.