Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I saw nothing
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me