My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
courtroom exchange of the day
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.