When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
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a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.