People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
*hires sky writer*
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