Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I feel it
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I hope Alan is OK
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …