ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
You Might Also Like
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.