Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
when revenge coincides with naptime
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”