I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.