came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.