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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.