Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone