Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another