me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol