honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.